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The first colonoscopy since my surgery & the bowel cancer diagnosis...

This week’s heart wrenching moments brought to you by… the first colonoscopy post surgery. This is the third lot of bowel prep I’ve completed in 6 months [no wonder I’ve managed to lose some weight 😐]. It’s fairly gut wrenching sitting here the day before knowing what it ahead of me. (quite literally gut wrenching too). Of course, the prep and the colonoscopy itself I’m so happy to do if it helps us to know that we are in the clear. But gosh it’s an awful, scary feeling today.

Hopefully by the time anyone else reads this, it’s all done and dusted and we are happy with the results. The recent blood tests look good, so this scope should reflect that. Dr Burger is just going in to get some polyps higher up in my bowel he found the first time but didn’t ‘get’ because of the cancer that was sitting there in my rectum. It is still so foreign for me to say that. I definitely have not processed it and I definitely do not see myself as someone ‘with cancer’.

I’ve not written yet about the cancer diagnosis and journey. I keep it light when I discuss it with others. I talk about that time that ‘I had cancer for 2 weeks’. The psych that I’ve been seeing since the diagnosis gently reminds me that it was a big deal and I’m allowed to have been upset by it or to have big feelings about it. I think I’m too scared to write much about it because somehow I will jinx myself into having cancer again. I definitely can’t process that thought.

My stats are good – apparently the type of tumour that I had was good in all the right ways. So, there is no good reason that it should be back.

At the time, the first colonoscopy felt like it was just an annoyance. We truly did not expect it. And now, I can look back and realise all the signs that there was something wrong. The doctor kept me waiting for so long. Why hadn’t he come to see me? I was happily munching away on the post op sandwiches. The nurse kept asking where my husband was. I assumed this was normal practice. In hindsight – they were waiting for my husband to be there to hear the awful news together.

So tomorrow, if I’m kept waiting, I think I’ll know it’s a bad sign. Please god, just let it be quick and positive. Please.

The second bowel prep was pre-surgery, so I knew it was going to be rough. But I was so positive that all I needed to do was get through each day, one day at a time. I’m super proud of how I handled that surgery prep. Looking back, it was pure naiveté – something I’m so glad about. I had no idea how tough I would find it physically. I don’t even remember waking up after the surgery, so I’m kind of glad that I didn’t realise for a while how hard that part was. The waiting after the surgery was so tough too – waiting to see what the tumour had been like and whether I’d need more treatment or not.

I don’t think I can write anymore until I know that it is all ok.

[Post Colonoscopy Note: The colonoscopy went well - Doctor was happy with the surgery site and said that the polyps that were there were small and not to be worried about. Feeling extremely lucky and happy that I don’t need to go through that again for 12 months now.]